Commander Buzz Aldrin was one of the finest men I ever knew and his death is a loss to us all. His contributions to science and humanity after the space program alone are enough to secure a great legacy, but what I'll always remember is when he saved my life from a big crazy pig on the moon.

I was third out of the lunar lander. That's a footnote, historically, but when you set foot on the Moon, all concerns of status and ego wash away because, simply put, you are on the Moon. Neil had already planted the flag and Buzz was taking some photographs. My job was that of lunar caddy. Anything they needed done, I'd do.

Having bent over to place medallions commemorating the lives lost in the Apollo 1 launch fire on the lunar surface, I did not see the huge crazy pig charging toward me. It is only by the grace of Christ that my suit was not punctured by it's tusks as it head-butted me. Had Buzz not caught my leg and pulled me back down to the surface, I may just have become unmoored and floated into oblivion. Neil Armstrong, inveterate city slicker that he was, flew into a blind panic and started worshipping the pig as a god within seconds. Buzz and I were both all-american farm boys, so we knew that even though this pig was different from Earth pigs - it was five feet tall, green, and had eyes like twin suns that would drive you mad if gazed into directly - it was still a damn pig. We had invaded it's territory, and it just needed to be reassured that we were on our way. Buzz told Neil as much, but he just kept chanting "I AM THE CATTLE NOW, LEAD ME TO GLORIOUS SLAUGHTER." We tried to drag him back to the capsule but no sooner had I grabbed his hand than he flipped me to the ground in the moon's first display of judo and started offering me to the pig.

At this point the pig was no longer concerned by Buzz and I but VERY worried by Neil. He shook me at the pig like a weapon and in it's terror, it charged at me again. Thinking on his feet as ever, Buzz grabbed the American flag from the ground and ran it through the pig's head. The pig then said in english "you are not ready" and disintegrated. Buzz and I knelt in prayer to God, begging for forgiveness, which was interrupted by Neil screaming that he had just become the first man to shit his pants on the moon and that we should probably head home.

I was thrilled when Neil died and Buzz got to become the main living person known for the moon landing. Now that I find myself in his position however, I do not relish it. I don't know that I believe in heaven, but I think that when we die we become one again with the cosmos. In that way I think Buzz and that wonderful, insane hog have rejoined and reconciled. I do believe in Hell though, and Neil Armstrong is unquestionably there having spiders hatch out of his testicles forever